I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
