how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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