remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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