his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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