theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
