you turned your livingroom into a bong?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
