so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Randomize
