What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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