as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
We are two peas in an std pod
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
