and next time when you feel me up, do it right
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
