i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Randomize
