Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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