You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
