My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
