I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
