Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
