the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Randomize
