tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
