dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
