she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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