Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
3pm strippers are depressing
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Randomize
