I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
