Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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