omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Im part way to drunk.
Randomize
