I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
