my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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