Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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