Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
