Can i not drive my cunt home
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Randomize
