You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
