Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
So. Much. Porn.
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