so that wasnt chicken after all
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
