who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
