If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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