New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
