You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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