my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
