i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
