I haven't been this sober since birth.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
