We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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