I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
