i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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