I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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