so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
