Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
