My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
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