There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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