i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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