I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
