is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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